Attitude Adjustment

Woolly mammoths! I've been trying to write this post for days! I just keep getting caught up in one thing after another and the next thing I know, the week is gone. But I promised myself this morning that I would not go to bed until my thoughts were thinked and organized and jotted down for posterity. And so here I sit, in the middle of the night, the last stitch put in a leotard, the final baby asleep in bed, all momentary crises have been averted.....and I feel the strange sensation of solitude.

I had no idea the refrigerator made that much noise!

I've been looking at the picture above for the past few days and my heart just swells up with so much gratitude. I'm grateful for the obvious things in this picture. I have a beautiful family. We are all healthy today. We live in a wonderful part of the world. We have warm clothes and a fresh Christmas tree. I'm grateful that we are out of the van now and I don't have to listen to all ten renditions of Jingle Bells again (for a day or two).

But mostly I'm grateful because I am happy. That seems really selfish. I don't know how else to say it. I'm happy and I'm happy that I'm happy.

After our first child was born I was slammed with post postpartum depression. It got worse with our second child. By the time our third was here.....even now I can't bring myself to write about those years. I will, though. I will. Another day.

The holidays, all holidays - but especially from Halloween to Valentine's Day, make me cringe. Not because I'm a fuddy dud or anything. It's just that I get so overwhelmed. And then I usually find myself spiraling to the bottom of a depression pit.

I have learned over the past 20 or so years a few things about my depression. (I claim it because it is my depression and because when I talk about it I don't assume that everyone else that suffers does so the same as me). I've learned that there are certain things/people/events that are triggers and that my reaction to those triggers will determine whether I survive or whether I swirl into the abyss. 

I've learned to be more reasonable about the whole celebration process. Instead of helping every child make something for every one of their siblings, I now buy fun things at yard sales during the summer and hide them away. The Little People get to wash walls or organize cupboards to be able to "shop" from my stash. We still make a lot of things but just not as much. I know some families just draw names, which in our case would make sense. Do the math, if all my children get each other a present (and they do) that makes 156 gifts. But I can't bring myself to cut that part of Christmas back. They are so much more excited to give than they are to receive and I want to keep it that way. So I decided to cut back something else instead.

I decided to say adios to some of my negative thoughts. What a novel idea! And without negative thoughts I'm stuck wallowing in my gratitude. Go figure.

Miss Nichole got a fun call this week from one of her mission companions. She and another friend they met while serving in Texas came to stay with us. That statement will usually be enough to find me singing looney tunes. I LOVE having people over. It's the words tumbling around in my head that get me. (My dishes aren't done, my laundry has grown into the kitchen, our carpet is dirty, I bought too many books again and now there is nowhere to sit.....). Instead I took a deep breath, and calmly ordered the Little People to check the bathroom for toilet paper, towels, and soap. I sent up a prayer of thankfulness that we had cooked an extra turkey and there were plenty of left overs. And then I enjoyed these delightful people. Really enjoyed them. I sincerely want them to come back again soon.

Last year I had to sit in a cold van with four freezing, tired, hungry babies while My Man marched up the mountain and killed a tree. I felt like I was just doing what I had to do to make Christmas happy for everyone else.

This year I planned ahead. We loaded up the propane tank, stopped at the grocery store where I splurged on some really good cocoa, and headed to the hills singing. I had a delightful time cooking chili for my family and watching them make epic sledding attempts. Instead of being the martyr suffering for the cause I was the "Best Mom ever!" (Sir Thomas said so.)

By the end of the weekend we had cooked Thanksgiving, cleaned the house (sort of), set up for a craft fair, watched all the Little People perform their dances at the Christmas Ball, petted the reindeer, cut the tree, sled the hill, attended my niece's wedding, listened to Brianna play the piano in a concert, blew up fireworks, marched in a parade, and then Sunday visited another niece as she reported on her mission to Oregon.

And I'm still happy.

I'm smiling because we've had food to eat, a home to live in, a washing machine that works, a community that celebrates, friends that share, family that cares, opportunities for our children, taste and touch and sight and hearing.....and we have each other. And we have a miraculous God that puts everything into perspective....

....and I'm married to a man that belongs on the cover of a magazine. Hubba hubba!!!